The Endless Possibilities

The problem with decision making is you never know what is right until you do it, but then its usually too late to go back and retrace your steps if your wrong. I often wonder “what if”, or do the “should of, would of, could of” dance. I panic about my future, its one of my biggest downfalls. I worry, analyze stress and make myself ill with the thoughts of possibilities. There are times were I wish God would place a map in front of me and say this is where you need to go and this is how you get there, but He doesn’t do that.

There is so much I want to accomplish. My ambition and my fear are at a constant battle with one another, and as much as I hate to admit this, the truth is my fear typically wins. It’s either that or my spirit v. conscience, as they battle for what possible and what is probable. Again my conscience typically wins, and my spirit whines about it later.

But as I am headed into my final year of undergraduate college education, and possibly my last year of formal education, I am panic-stricken. This is my last year in a place I have come to understand and tolerate. I can function at school, it’s familiar, predictable and usually consistent. I know how to get by with a minimal 3.5 G.P.A., I know my professors, I know the students. And as claustrophobic as the small campus with so many recognizable faces makes me feel, I have learned to appreciate it and wish I had more time to do a few things differently.

Regardless, at the end of this year I will have my B.A. in journalism, my apartment lease will be up and I will be ready for something new and anxious to get away from this rural air and back into the city lights.

In the past, I have waited for life to fall into place. For things to figure themselves out and let deadlines slip past as fear ties me down from chasing what I truly want. I need to kick the habit of procrastination, but I also don’t want to force myself into having to understand my future, I am struggling with the present enough as is.

I was online, and something with the J.R.R. Tolkien quote popped up, “Not all those who wander are lost.” I believe in signs and thought that life was speaking to me, and realized just because I am absolutely clueless about this journey I am on doesn’t mean I am lost. Just because I don’t know where I am going doesn’t mean I won’t go somewhere. Just because I don’t know what I will be doesn’t mean I won’t be something great.

So I am starting now, The unnerving plunge into the next phase, looking for any opportunity and any change. I refuse to not put myself out there and find the best possibilities, but I also refuse to predict where I will go next. God may not draw a map out for me, but He’ll place me in the middle of one and help me get there (I hope).

Sleepless in Yamhill County

The drunk people outside are finally silent. I brushed my teeth. I took a shower. I said my prayers, but can’t get a wink. I hate this. These nights of emptiness.

I tried to have a good cry, you know those ones that aren't drastic and just make you feel better, but I had to force a single tear. That's unusual for me.

Life is really bizarre. My summer is going much better than I expected and this week actually was positive and happy. I love my apartment, my jobs are good and people I like are actually in town. I haven’t even got bogged down with college town depression that usually hits when I am here for a week, and I have not had time to be bored or lonely. There was even a few glimpses of sunshine!

But for some reason, life is scaring and exhausting me.

I feel like God hit the pause button on my life. I have all these great visions and ideas, but cannot piece them together to make them a reality. They are just there in broken parts unable to be shaped or molded into anything relevant.

Then there is this whole cycle of life situation occurring right before my eyes. My sister-in-law is due with my baby niece any day now, while my grandpa is quickly deteriorating. It’s spooky how it feels like the two are occurring in sequence.

There is also a list of things I wish I could just tell people. Some of them are minor, but other subjects are weighing heavy on my heart and I wish I could just spit them out and say how I feel. Maybe nothing would come of it, but it would make me feel better.

I also recently have been able to point out every single one of my flaws, which has been exhausting. It hasn’t been a self-cautious, insecurity type of a thing. It’s a “these are characteristics about myself I may or may not like, but are a part of me” type of a thing. Some of them I could fix, others I am stuck with. For some reason they are all obvious to me this week.

Regardless, I am worn out and yet completely restless. My body is in my cozy haven of fluff, but I can’t drift into a sleep. My brain is thinking about a billion different things, the fact that I could get a phone call any second telling me a loved one is dead or Gracie is born; my frustration about not yet writing a novel, winning a Pulitzer, or appearing on Ellen DeGeneres (I really would love to be on her show before she pulls an Oprah); my feelings/opinion for and about people; and that my list of flaws could potentially outdo the material in the National Archives.

I guess I’ll try to count sheep…

P.S. It’s 2 a.m., so grammar may be poor. Sorry!

Minor complaints

I just have some thing I'd like to whine about.

1) My towel rack is still broken! No sign of the maintenance man anywhere and he promised me a peephole. It's been two weeks and he clearly did not put my needs on his to-do list.

2) My kitchen light thinks its fun to pretend its a night light when its dark in my apartment. One of the bulbs flashes every 8 seconds with an obnoxiously bright white light. So I went back to using my chandelier nightlight that illuminates my whole kitchen, only a notch less obnoxious.

3) The people at the pub are getting rowdier earlier. There is constant clouds of cigarette smoke and loud banter incomprehensible banter directly outside my window. Luckily, it lasts all night long.

4) My neighbors are dead.