The Endless Possibilities

The problem with decision making is you never know what is right until you do it, but then its usually too late to go back and retrace your steps if your wrong. I often wonder “what if”, or do the “should of, would of, could of” dance. I panic about my future, its one of my biggest downfalls. I worry, analyze stress and make myself ill with the thoughts of possibilities. There are times were I wish God would place a map in front of me and say this is where you need to go and this is how you get there, but He doesn’t do that.

There is so much I want to accomplish. My ambition and my fear are at a constant battle with one another, and as much as I hate to admit this, the truth is my fear typically wins. It’s either that or my spirit v. conscience, as they battle for what possible and what is probable. Again my conscience typically wins, and my spirit whines about it later.

But as I am headed into my final year of undergraduate college education, and possibly my last year of formal education, I am panic-stricken. This is my last year in a place I have come to understand and tolerate. I can function at school, it’s familiar, predictable and usually consistent. I know how to get by with a minimal 3.5 G.P.A., I know my professors, I know the students. And as claustrophobic as the small campus with so many recognizable faces makes me feel, I have learned to appreciate it and wish I had more time to do a few things differently.

Regardless, at the end of this year I will have my B.A. in journalism, my apartment lease will be up and I will be ready for something new and anxious to get away from this rural air and back into the city lights.

In the past, I have waited for life to fall into place. For things to figure themselves out and let deadlines slip past as fear ties me down from chasing what I truly want. I need to kick the habit of procrastination, but I also don’t want to force myself into having to understand my future, I am struggling with the present enough as is.

I was online, and something with the J.R.R. Tolkien quote popped up, “Not all those who wander are lost.” I believe in signs and thought that life was speaking to me, and realized just because I am absolutely clueless about this journey I am on doesn’t mean I am lost. Just because I don’t know where I am going doesn’t mean I won’t go somewhere. Just because I don’t know what I will be doesn’t mean I won’t be something great.

So I am starting now, The unnerving plunge into the next phase, looking for any opportunity and any change. I refuse to not put myself out there and find the best possibilities, but I also refuse to predict where I will go next. God may not draw a map out for me, but He’ll place me in the middle of one and help me get there (I hope).