Ready for love?

Some say it hits you, and it happens right then and there. For others, it takes years of friendship to grow into something more. Few never find it, and live their lives looking for the perfect one. There are people who love many in a lifetime, and some find one true love on the first try without any doubt and few errors.

I don’t know how it is supposed to happen. And I have lived enough in life to know, what people say its supposed to be like isn’t how it always is.

I have yet to have a true first love, and I am at that point in my life where I don’t want to let someone in unless they could be my last. You see, I was never a fan of the go to college and get married as soon as possible ideal, which many of my peers have gotten locked into and my Christian university strongly emphasizes. I value the modern standards of obtaining an education, settling where my heart feels right and then when love comes around, I will make it work. At the same time, I am eager to go down that path with someone, and start an adventure that will last forever.

My past relationships were insufficient. It may not due the word “relationship” justice to even call them that. I was young, naïve and vulnerable, so I dated a dictator. A boy who made me feel unworthy, and cut the ties to those I loved. Choosing him was my biggest regret. Years later, afraid of not fitting in with my new surroundings, I dated the first person available.

It was out of fear mostly, that I used the word “love”. Fear of losing someone, even if they cared so little about my well being. They both had their own versions of their future, my future and our futures together. My dreams evaporated as I let theirs take over. In the latter relationship, I caught on quicker, but still I was left because I was scared to leave.

Then there was the friend, whom I wanted to date for years. And in my mind, I think we did at times have something more than a friendship. However he would always leave, When the conversation got too deep or another girl came along, he was gone in a blink. But He always came back, and something about him kept me captivated—his edge, his demeanor. He came across one way, but I knew he was deeper than the superficial tattoos and bad reputation. My family was willing to make exceptions for him, nothing drastic, but they accepted him.

It was a barely flirty text message that sent him through the door for the last time, or so I think. Probably for the best, my ambition too great to settle where he will, but regardless I cared more for him than anyone before.

There were those others in between. The ones who led me by a string and vice versa. Those who called when they were bored and in need of some attention. Those who never even offered me dinner or introduced me to their family and friends. Those who forgot to open the door, but made sure to steal a kiss. All out of convenience, and nothing out of love.

I find myself, at the age of 21 and on my own, scared to discover this thing I desire. Scared to know what love’s possibilities are. I do not want to settle on something that could not last, but do not know how to determine what will. How do you find something that doesn’t dissolve into nothing? And how can two imperfect people come into each others lives and love unconditionally?

I have seen it happen; my parents, grandparents, even my own friends have fallen in love and couldn’t be happier with their soul mate. I want that, the imperfect love in life. I want someone to walk alongside me in all the trials and errors, celebrations and challenges of this reality.

I need someone who cares for me always, even at my worst. Someone who sees through the bubbly exterior, the hopeful young girl, the stressed out studier, and unconventional introvert. I want somebody who gets my idiosyncrasies, anxieties, contradictions, philosophies, and frustrations. A man that makes me feel beautiful and unique, and gives me strength when I need it.

People set up these expectations of who you will love, and when it will come. I don’t know what love is, or how it will find me (maybe it's already started to). All I know is that I am ready to start falling, so whose going to catch me?